The Old Wound and a Cushion
by Harpy101
Summary: Chronic pain can be life-diminishing, but psychological pain can be just as trying. It's not always easy to live with someone who has to bear these kinds of burdens. But Anna is resourceful and will not be dissuaded. This is the first chapter. Succeeding chapters will have different ratings. These are not my characters. PLEASE NOTE THE RATING CHANGE WITH THE ADDITION OF CHAPTER 3.
1. Chapter 1

Anna knew something was wrong one morning when she woke at dawn and John was still beside her in the bed. He sat up, groggy, with dark circles under his eyes, then was out of the bed straight away.

As they went about their morning routines he seemed to be avoiding her. She noticed that he was moving with great economy. The injury was cruelest, Anna thought, because of this, not just because the pain never entirely left but because it seemed to be capricious. One day it was better, sometimes for several days it was better, then it would turn for the worse. It was impossible to predict.

Anna finished washing up and cornered him before he had put on a shirt. She wrapped her arms around him and tilted her face up for a kiss. He kissed her briefly. "I'll be late," he said.

He had never made an excuse before. Never yet avoided her like this.

She put a hand on his cheek, which was clammy. He was pale and distracted.

"It's hurting you today," said Anna. "It's worse today. And you didn't sleep, did you?"

"It's not so bad," He stepped around her, wincing.

"Why do you always say that, when I know you're in pain?"

"Because there's nothing to be done about it," it was nearly a snap. Anna paused, surprised.

"Are you sure? What if we asked the doc-"

"You will not do that,"

"Why?"

"Because it's my business,"

"Pardon me, husband. Certain things are most definitely my business, including an agreement under the law which states for better or worse, and when you are in pain or worse in other ways it is most definitely my-"

"Can't you leave it alone?"

"No. No, I can't,"

"I'm late. And so are you,"

He finished dressing and was out the door, not waiting for her. His limp was worse. Anna stood in the doorway and watched him walking away, giving him some room to walk off his mood, but even more determined to get to the heart of the problem.

Then Anna thought to herself,_ The heart of it. That's it. That's where it really hurts._

* * *

Anna went to the library to return a book, carefully timing this errand around His Lordship's clock. This was about the time he would sit down at his desk. She signed the ledger reporting that the book on the war was back, then she scanned another shelf. A title caught her eye, "_The R.E.P. Book First Aid In Accidents and Ailments,". _She wondered if it had been Lady Sybil's. She opened the book straight to a page titled,_ "Rubbing Eases Pain". _Anna's heart leaped. She signed out the book_, _then turned to see him enter the library.

"Hello, Your Lordship,"

"Anna," He came to her and gazed at her warmly. She had a moment to be thankful for him. As employers went, she could have done infinitely worse. "I'd like to express again what it has meant to have your help in these last weeks. You've been indispensable. We are all grateful to you,"

"I-thank you, Your Lordship. I was happy to be of service,"

"You've been much more than that,"

This was her chance.

"I-on that note, Your Lordship," Anna blushed, "I wonder...may I have a word?"

"Of course. Is everything all right?"

"It is, yes. I-I've been reading up. On the war, the Boer wars,"

"A rather gruesome subject, is it not? For one of the delicate sex?"

"It's only...I want to know more about what happened,"

There was a silence.

"You mean, what happened to Bates,"

"Yes. He will only tell me a little, and...the reason I ask is, his leg lately is worse. I want him to see the doctor, or...do something for it. But he refuses. I'm afraid he may be letting it get worse. I-I've had a feeling that it's about much more than his leg,"

His Lordship's face darkened.

"Talk of war is a hard thing. Most of us are so grateful to be out of it that it seems nonsense to relive those things. And it becomes so distant...as if a dream,"

Anna began on a neutral point. "When did you both serve?"

His Lordship cut to it. "But what you would really like to know is, how exactly did Bates get his injury?"

"Or...what else happened..."

"There were many skirmishes, you know. And in one, particularly...are you sure you want to hear this?"

"Unless you feel you would be betraying a confidence. I'd never ask that,"

His Lordship paused to look at Anna. It took her a minute to make out his expression, but he did seem to be looking at her with admiration.

"Thank you for that," he said, "Because although Bates and I never discussed keeping it as a confidence, I feel it is quite a private thing. Well, I will tell you. But only in Bates' best interest. And I hope it is, Anna,"

"How many men did he kill? In that skirmish?"

His Lordship was pouring whiskey into a glass.

"I'm not sure even he knows. It's not like keeping score. But...the Boers were farmers,"

"I'd read that,"

'They fought in family groups sometimes,"

"Yes,"

His Lordship took a cordial glass and tipped a bit of whiskey from the cut glass decanter. He handed it to her. Anna sipped the burning liquid, then downed it. His eyebrows went up, but he took the glass back and continued.

"The day of that skirmish a battalion of Boers launched a surprise attack from a ridge above us. They had the high ground and they came down on us like a plague.

"Bates...well, he was a brilliant shot. One of the best you ever saw. In battle you don't take captives. Every shot is for the kill, it's the heart or the head," His Lordship's blue eyes were sharp on her now.

"Yes,"

"Well, you are sturdy. Bates took out five men in quick succession as they crested the bluff above us. Then another man came over the hill and Bates shot him down, quick time. And just behind him..." His Lordship paused.

Anna's stomach was suddenly very warm as the whiskey hit, and she felt her insides relax. She was grateful for the whiskey, but only for a moment.

"Last over the hill...it was probably that man's son," His Lordship continued, "And it all happened so fast,"

Anna's heart sank. The warmth in her stomach turned to nausea. She bit her lip, which was beginning to tremble.

"Bates was a master of a quick kill. No lingering. One shot per man, nearly always,"

Anna took a deep breath, and swallowed. His Lordship downed his whiskey. He took a breath as well.

"I've never seen a shot like it. He was in mid-jump, you see. He leaped in front of me and made the shot without his feet even being on the ground. I've never been able to compliment him on that shot, which is a shame, but I never could, Anna,"

His Lordship paced a few steps away, then back to her.

"I must tell you that Bates saved more than my life that day. He quite possibly saved many in our battalion,"

"Tell me the worst, please, Your Lordship,"

"Here it is, then. The last man over the bluff...he might have been fourteen or fifteen. But no older. We both saw his face. A beautiful boy's face. And then it was gone. Bates' bullet took it clean off,"

A sob escaped Anna.

His Lordship turned away for a moment, then back to her. "What am I thinking, telling you this?"

"You're thinking it may help,"

"Bates took the shot from the boy's gun, in his leg, at that moment. I was on lower ground behind him. That bullet would have been in my head or taken my head off. So he made a brilliant kill shot while saving my life. We've never talked about it after, Anna. But we both felt it. We both knew. I was afraid for him, for a few weeks. I kept him close by me. It was...it must still be...incredibly hard on him,"

"Oh, my God," whispered Anna.

"I hope I've done right in telling you. It is a very sacred confidence, the things that happen in war,"

"Because most people won't understand," Anna mopped her eyes quickly, gathering herself.

"That's right,"

"Thank you," Anna straightened. "Thank you, Your Lordship. I treat this confidence with great respect. But I may have to tell him that I know,"

"These things are unthinkable Anna, I don't know how we live with them,"

"We have to," said Anna, "And we have to do our best for each other,"

* * *

"It is never a small thing to make a change in environment," said the Dowager, "We must always be prepared to make a change, even a small one, if that change is for the better,"

"Are you saying you like the new fabrics?" asked Cora, by way of ceremony.

"No indeed! I am merely pointing out that a breath of fresh air in one room can help one breathe freely in another,"

"Well," said Mary, turning over the swatches, "I think some of them are suitable. But Mama, more and more people are turning to experts for this sort of thing,"

"I can hear Robert now," said Cora, "Pay somebody to tell us how to redecorate our own home?"

"I'm afraid Mary is right," said the Dowager, "With the blinding new array of fixtures and fabrics, one can hardly navigate the choppy seas of interior decor alone anymore. One risks inviting one's friends into a house of horrors without the proper advice,"

Mary finally noticed Anna, who was waiting politely in the doorway. "Beg your pardon, My Lady. You sent for me?"

"Anna, do come in. Take a look at these swatches and tell me, what do you think?"

The Dowager and Cora exchanged looks. Anna said, "I'm glad I won't be making the decision,"

"You see! Then it's final. I shall steal the very best interior design expert I can find among the huff and puff," said the Dowager.

"Anna," said Mary, "We will be redecorating soon. I want you to have first choice of whatever we replace, so think about it,"

"Thank you, My Lady. I have a feeling one chair would barely fit in the cottage," Anna giggled silently. The other women had the grace to look embarrassed. "But I promise to let you know, when you're ready to change things,"

"Well, I am ready to make a change right now, today," said Cora. "That horrid settee by the window with those over sized cushions. I want it removed this morning,"

"Anna, would you see to that? And if you'd like it-"

"I may-" Anna eyed the cushions now, "If I may, only have use for a cushion?"

The other women shrugged at each other, clearly baffled but suffering no curiosity about cottage life. "Of course," said Mary, and Anna went to make the arrangements, wondering if she could carry a cushion home by herself at lunch time. It might be the perfect size.


	2. Chapter 2

After years of looking for each other in the dining hall they had developed an almost supernatural sense of each other; he knew when she was about to enter the hall and she knew he would be looking for her.

When their eyes met they had an instant to tell each other everything they needed to say before others at the table saw them. He looked up, his eyes full of love for her and tinged with regret; Anna's heart swelled in her chest when she saw him. They locked glances for as long as possible, then Anna broke it to navigate her way to the chair next to him. As she sat their hands found each other under the table, fingers interlocking. Anna had a moment to enjoy her husband's hand, the way his long, smooth fingers slid between hers and his broad, warm palm enveloped hers. She noticed that his color was better; she could tell the pain had lessened for him. This was usually true at the end of the day. John kept chatting with Mrs. Hughes about the spring storms and Anna smiled as Daisy brought in a tray and complimented her on the wild strawberry jam they had all sampled at breakfast.

Their hands came apart when Mr. Carson entered for dinner, then came together under the table again, locked again, as they sat. John lifted his tea cup, now that everyone at the table was engaged in other conversations and said softly behind it,

"Missed you at luncheon,"

"I had an errand,"

"I'm sorry I spoke to you that way this morning,"

"I'm not. I need to know when it hurts you,"

"I'll do better,"

"So will I," said Anna, "And we'll start tonight," She smiled, pushing her anxiety down. She would have to tell him that she had spoken to His Lordship. It would have to be tonight. She wasn't any good at holding on to secrets; they weighed heavily on her. He might be hurt or angry that she had gone behind his back or betrayed a confidence. She hoped not but she was ready for the possibility, and for the possibility of having to earn back his trust. Either way, she would have to face him with it tonight.

His thumb was circling in her palm. "And you had better stop that," said Anna very quietly, "Or I'll end up in your lap and we'll both be scrubbing pots for a living,"

* * *

He paused in the doorway of the cottage.

"What is...is that...from the drawing room?"

"Yes. Her Ladyship got rid of the settee, and they let me take what I wanted,"

"You wanted _one cushion_? It's enormous,"

"I know. I'll find a place for it out of sight,"

"Why on earth?"

"I have," Anna smiled to herself, quoting Shakespeare, "I have a darker purpose,"

He looked at her sideways, his expression somewhere between puzzled and worried. Anna laughed. She put her hand on his cheek.

"Wash up now, and sit in your favorite chair like usual,"

Anna was in her nightgown before she met him in the parlor. She had left her hair up for him and for other reasons. He had changed for bed; perfect. He sat in the chair, looking at her with a raised eyebrow. Anna put the book in his hands.

"Ah," he said, "I wonder if this was Lady Sybil's,"

"I was thinking that,"

"Yes, here is her seal," he ran his thumb along the page with Lady Sybil's stamp and signature, "This may have been one of her course books,"

"Well, I found a very interesting chapter," Anna took the book and opened it to the title page, "_Rubbing Eases Pain_".

While he was perusing she pulled the corner of the cushion under the chair, as she had practiced this afternoon after wrestling the thing home. She could rest in nearly any position this way and have perfect reach of him. She could sit with her legs curled to the side under his, or rest very comfortably on her knees. She ran her hands up his thighs lightly, testing the difference in muscle tension through his pajamas, rocking the muscles in her hands.

He put the book down and reached for her. "You've had a long day-" he began.

"I've been plotting all day," said Anna, "You're going to have to let me try this,"

He sighed. "I don't see what-"

"Hush, now," Anna found the indent of the injury; she had seen the scar many times now but not explored the depth of it. The muscles around the injury were very tight; she recalled the images of muscle tissue and the way it tended to tense, and rolled her palm around the edges, warming the skin and tissues under it. After a moment she felt a tremor, then a release as he relaxed. He let a long breath go.

"How is that?" she looked up, "Is that more at ease now?"

He smiled at her. "You don't need one more thing to worry about today-"

"I _will _smack you," said Anna. "Don't imagine I won't," She explored the outside of the thigh muscle with her thumb, running a firmer pressure, then a series of rolling motions. It was gratifying to feel the flesh warming and loosening. After a time she looked up and saw him gazing at her with wonder.

"What?" she said.

"It's..." he stopped.

"Is it worse?"

"No. There's no pain at all right now," his eyes darted in hers. "That-that hasn't happened in a long time,"

"It's just relaxing all the muscle fibers around the injury," said Anna, "It won't fix anything but a lot of discomfort can be-"

He leaned forward, his hands sliding under her chin, around her neck. "How can such a beautiful wife also be so loving?"

Anna's eyes filled, quickly. She looked down, taking a shuddering breath.

"What?" he asked, his voice very soft.

Anna sobbed once, then bit down on it. This was no time for self-pity. This was time for truth.

"I did something today,"

"You mean...something else?" he smiled.

"Yes," she gave a wet sniff, dabbing her nose with the back of her hand. Then she fixed her eyes on his; he met her gaze soberly.

"Tell me, then,"

"I-I talked to...His Lordship,"

"Yes?"

"A-about...about the war," she kept her eyes on his. She would not be a coward. She owed him her honesty. "I-I asked him-"

"You asked him what happened," he said.

"And he told me. He told me about it. And I said I never wanted him to betray a confidence, but I was afraid that you might be getting worse, and so he told me, and I never wanted..." she fought sobs again, "I never wanted to go behind your back or to talk out of turn-"

"But," he said, and she stopped, taking in a miserable breath.

"But," he said, his hands still cupping her face, "I didn't give you much choice in the matter,"

Anna blinked, gulping. "I hope I didn't-"

"Anna Bates," he said. "I know you. And I know full well what you are capable of. If I was so keen to protect all my dark secrets, then I shouldn't have married you," His smile grew slowly, his thumbs stroking her tears away.

Anna laughed a wet sob and then laughed at how messy it was.

"Come here," he pulled her onto his lap, bringing her head onto his shoulder. Anna let herself release the the worry she had carried all day. Then another layer of feeling came to the surface, the sadness for what he had been through. She didn't speak of it because it was not hers to speak of but she could weep for it, just a little. He rocked her on his good leg.

"I know I should have told you myself," he said, "But the thought of you carrying that memory, too..."

"Well, I do, now. So when it's haunting you, you can share the burden,"

He looked at her, his eyes searching hers. Then he kissed her.

"I think I'm fresh out of secrets," he mused, "How will I keep you entertained?"

Anna spoke into his shoulder. "Marital privileges,"

He laughed first. Then she was able to join him. But she wasn't finished. He was starting to take down her hair but she stopped him.

"Let's to bed," he said, in that voice he used when he wanted her, a voice all velvet and persuasion, "Come on now,"

Anna managed to pull away and slide back down onto her cushion. "I'm not done,"

"Well, I want you up here,"

"Well, you can't have me up there," she sassed.

"It feels better. It truly does,"

"Good. If we do this regularly it could diminish your pain-"

"You have enough to do-"

"Do you think this is work?" she demanded, "It's just another reason to get my hands on you. Now stop it, John. You will get used to this and we will make it a part of our routine and on days when it's especially bad I can help. And you will _let_ me help. This is the happy part of our lives now and we will make the most of it,"

He took a deep breath. "Yes, wife," he said.

"That's better,"

"Now come here,"

"No," Anna giggled. She was feeling better now. She ran her hands up and down his thighs, scooting more tightly to the chair. She moved her hands more freely, and thrilled when he responded to her. "There's something else I want,"


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER 3

As he responded to her touch, Anna sighed. How lovely he was, this masculine creature, this large, commanding person who fell so completely at her mercy. She wanted to love him in every way she could comprehend or invent. She wanted to show her pride in him, protect him, sooth him, excite him, care for him, spoil him. She was overwhelmed by feeling as she took him tenderly in her hands, and then her mouth.

Anna loved this, to just luxuriate in him for a while, in a kind of aimless sensual daydream. She cherished the velvety softness, the tautness, firm and tender as a plum, the tremors of sensitivity; she loved to taste, slide and taste again. She took him deep, then lingered, making slippery spirals, then again. She could hear his breathing and she reached up with one hand to unbutton his pajama shirt, tucking her hand inside, wanting the feel of soft hair between her fingers.

"I want you up here," he said.

"I'm so comfortable," purred Anna and she continued her own little rite of lazy worship, letting her mind wander. He was a treasure, he was a sweet, he was a needy creature, she was feeding on his pleasure. She looked up. John's head was back, he was biting his lower lip. She wanted more now, she wanted to be greedier. She came up on her knees.

Before she knew what had happened he leaned down, slid his arms under hers and swept her up. For one dizzy moment she thought she was falling, but he had flipped her on her back and now pulled her up on his chest as he moved down in the chair. With one arm wrapped across her stomach and his hand around her hip, he held her snugly against him. The other hand hiked up her nightgown and his fingers played on her belly, slipping lower to explore; they dipped in dew and his breath chafed her ear. His fingers circled in the moisture, then his hand moved up and his thumb circled on her lower belly; he fell into a rhythm with this as he rotated his hips under her, slipping just into her and then stopping.

Anna was scrambling with her feet but couldn't touch the floor; her feet slipped off his shins. She couldn't find the sides of the chair with her hands. She lay helplessly with her back on his chest, unable to brace herself anywhere.

"Can you move?" he rasped.

"No!"

"Good,"

He slid down still further in the chair and she was even more supine, gravity pulling her on her back. He was able to control every motion now. He pulled his hips away under her and eased them forward very slowly, gliding barely into and out of her. His hand continued its tantalizing play. Anna whined.

He was kissing her throat under her ear as his fingers found a spot that electrified her and danced back and forth in tiny motions; the dew was nearly flowing from her. Anna felt the inevitability of release building but she had no way to follow it. He allowed her body to drop lower and pushed his hips up, giving her more of himself. Anna crooned, her entire body hanging on, needing, poised for the deep inner stroke.

He hiked her up again, sliding almost completely away from her. Anna gasped, writhing, but she had no hold anywhere. His fingers found another spot, began teasing again. Anna wheeled her feet with no ground to go to. His thumb circled on her belly and he stopped kissing her throat to whisper,

"I'm very comfortable,"

Anna gave a thin shriek. He eased her body up and down now, giving himself to her but never completely, stroking her until she was ready to lose herself and then pulling back again. Anna's body pulsed desperately on him, gripping, begging. She was bound for release anyway, it couldn't be stopped. He felt this and let her slide down far enough so he could fill her completely.

Anna turned her head and cried into his neck. He began to give himself to her in earnest. They both found long, drawn out bouts of fierce joy, shuddering together; they found themselves veiled in sweat and tangled in night clothes.

He brought his legs up and sat up, creating a lap for her; at last she could turn and wrap her arms around his neck. She kissed him deep, still heaving, while his arms went around her.

"You are _beastly_ sometimes," she said.

"A man can only take so many orders in one day,"

"Is that so?"

"As you have witnessed,"

Anna thought about this as she ran her fingers through his hair, which had sprung up thick from their exertions. She had gone behind his back to dig up a secret, forced a new idea on him and brought home ugly furniture. It was a bit much to ask a man to do, all in one day.

"You're right," she said. "I've gotten used to having my way, I think. You spoil me,"

"As long as we know it's my fault," his eyes glimmered as he smiled at her. Anna traced his brows and kissed his eyelids.

"I love you," she said, "And I wanted you to be free, free of pain and bad memories and-"

"And the past?"

"No. Just the things that weigh on you,"

"I would have done the same, you know. I understand why you did it. And I don't blame you for anything, nor His Lordship,"

"And you don't mind me rubbing your leg?"

"No. I don't mind...any of that,"

He paused.

"But the cushion," said Anna.

He gave her one of his eloquent looks and Anna burst out laughing. "I'll hide it," she said.

"Later," he said, "_I_ want to fall asleep holding you. Now,"

Anna kissed him. "Yes, husband," she said.


End file.
